


DON’T ORDER THIS CURSED FISTING TOY AT 3AM (ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD)

by iFanClover



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: A Really Shitty One, Character Death, Crack, I Guess I Should Also Mention Dead People, It Shouldn’t Take That Long, Murder Mystery, Pee, There’s a Lot of Talk About Pee in Here Too so uh, shitpost, this took so long to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 13:51:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17326205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iFanClover/pseuds/iFanClover
Summary: Ren buys himself a new fisting toy.Turns out it’s cursed.Whoops.Dead people.





	DON’T ORDER THIS CURSED FISTING TOY AT 3AM (ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD)

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Yeehaw, folks!
> 
> What’s your New Year’s Resolution?
> 
> Mine’s piss :3
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this shitty story.
> 
> Or not.
> 
> Sorry for ruining your bois.

One knock.

Two knocks.

Three.

Four now.

The number slowly increases as the knocking continues.

Ren opens his left eye in an unneeded sexy manner. He crawls out of his own skin and walks to the door. “Now, who could be up at this time of day?” he wonders to himself. He licks the doorknob, unlocking it with his tongue, and opens it to reveal a dark outside. “Huh, that’s weird. The creepy-looking Girl Scouts would usually be here at this time.” He takes a step forward and almost trips over something at his feet. Ren looks down to find a small brown box no bigger than his hand.

That’s probably saying a lot if this is yaoi hand Ren we’re talking about, and yeah this is yaoi hand Ren, so uh, good luck imagining him using his long fingers to scratch Tokiya’s hairy asshole.

Sorry, back to the story.

Ren picks up the box and brings it inside. He places it on the table in front of the couch and sits on his skin. He opens up the box to reveal a very brand new looking puppet that looks a lot like Masato. Ren picks it up and smiles. “Sweet, another fisting toy! Just what I ordered!”

“Dear Lord, not again,” Masato mutters as he walks into the room. “What is it with you and your,” he gags a little, “‘fisting toys’?”

“Masa, it’s an art collection,” Ren replies. “You just wouldn’t understand.”

“Does that explain the uncomfortable-looking and very detailed bodysuit that looks like you that you bought off the internet?”

“Masa, don’t be rude. This is my second skin.”

“Second skin??” Masato stares at Ren in the most concern he’s ever had for this sad life of a man. “I don’t??”

“You never do.” Ren rolls his eyes and zips his skin back on. “Well, I’m off to Horny Land. Wake me up before I end up sleepcumming.”

Masato covers his face in shame. “Why did Kotobuki have to teach you that word?” he says into his hands and walks off. Before he could leave the room, he hears a faint shuffle from right behind him. “Kurosaki, I think Aijima’s piss scent on your clothing attracted another cat,” Masato calls out. He didn’t receive any response in return. Masato sighs and turns around. “Alright, what kind of cat are we dealing with todaaaAAAAAHH!!!”

~~~~~

Ren wakes up to a wet and sticky feeling on his weewee. He sits up straight and whines. “God damnit, Masa!! I thought I told you to wake me up!” He pouts and takes off his skin. “Now I need to wash my baby.” Ren scoops up his skin and gets a glimpse of the box’s inside, which now has the ominous lingering scent of piss. The puppet that was homing itself in it is gone. “Huh. Where did it go?” He takes his skin to go wash without another thought.

Before he could go any further, the sight of Masato dead up on the wall accompanied by some murder mystery game music almost made him shit his pants. Almost because shit is fucking gross and disgusting to clean up. Strangely I like to joke about piss though, so I dunno.

Ren drops his skin, forgetting all about it. He lunges towards Masato’s dead body and cradles it in his arms. “Masa!! Why did you have to go on and have your HP bar reach 0 without my permission??”

“Ren, what the hell are you doing?” Ranmaru asks in the doorway of their room. “Stop hugging Masato’s dead ass and help me find who murdered him.”

Ren’s ugly but sexy sobs grow louder as he finds out that Masato has been oh boy ding dong mcdeathed by another stinkin’ human being.

Just then, Cecil comes running to them, shaking in his lack of pants. “Ranmaru-senpai,” he says panicked, “I think Camus-senpai’s dead!”

“Well, thank the Lord Kamisama Desu or whatever for that.”

“But it’s serious!! I think it’s the same person who killed Masato!”

Ren immediately bolts up. “What? Are you saying that the murderer is still in the house?”

“Ren! You’re awake and alive!” Cecil pulls Ren into a tight embrace. “I was so worried that you were dead too that I almost peed myself!”

Ren gently pushed Cecil away from him. “Uh, please. Do that at a toilet.”

“Which toilet?”

“You guys!!” Ranmaru shouts. “There’s a goddamn murderer on the loose in this building!! Hello??”

“oh shit fam u rite” Ren says as he grabs both Cecil and Ranmaru’s asscheeks and walks out the door.

“WAS THAT FUCKING NECESSARY?!” Ranmaru screams as he clutches the area Ren squished with his long yaoi fingers on his big yaoi hand.

“I think that was for good luck, Ranmaru-senpai,” Cecil says, walking after Ren.

~~~~~

The three of them enter the room where Camus’ death has taken place. More of that weirdly creepy anime game music comes on as they see him laying front side down in a puddle of either piss or tea. It smells like piss, but the entire room always smelled like piss ever since Cecil’s “accident”.

The three of them—well, two—stare in silence as Camus lays in front of them, being dead and all. The reason why only two are staring in silence is because Ranmaru has his pants unbuckled as he mutters to himself “Ding-dong, the bitch is dead! Which old bitch? The wicked bitch!”

“Oh fuck, this is a big F right here,” Ren says after a few more mutters from Ranmaru.

“Why did you say ‘F’, Ren?” Cecil asks with huge curiosity in his eyes.

“To pay respects, duh.”

“Ooooohh!!” Cecil giggles. “F!!”

“Anyways, Ran-chan,” Ren turns to Ranmaru, who still has his dick out, “please stop doing that in front of Baron’s body. I know he’s dead and all, but that’s really unsettling.”

“Alright, fine.” Ranmaru grumbles as he shoves his dick back into his pants.

Right when Ranmaru zips his pants up, they hear a high-pitched scream coming from Natsuki, Syo, and Ai’s room. Ren dashes off doing that slow but sexy typical lifeguard run. Cecil pulls Ranmaru by the arm and they bolt past Ren.

When they get there, they see another dead body. The same murder mystery music starts to play, signaling the—

“ALRIGHT ALREADY SHUT OFF THE DANGANRONPA MUSIC!!!” Ren yells. Ai opens his mouth and lightly presses down on his tongue, stopping the music completely.

Cecil runs over to Natsuki’s side. The poor boy with glasses is sobbing and choking on his tears. “S-Syo-chan!!” he cries. “Syo-chan!!”

“What happened here?!” Ranmaru questions Ai.

“What do you think? Syo’s fucking dead.”

“What happened before he died?”

“He was dying.”

Ranmaru groans. “What happened before he started dying??”

“Natsuki was minding his own business when he almost got attacked by something blue. But, before it could get to him, Syo jumped in the way, sacrificing his life to save Natsuki’s.” Ai looks down at Syo’s body. “RIP in Pieces you little gay skrub.”

Now Cecil is crying. He and Natsuki hug each other, having their tears as their way of bonding. “He was so brave!!” Cecil sobs. “We don’t deserve such a great hero!!”

Ren stands over Syo and teabags him. He clasps his hands together in a praying position and mutters an “F”.

“F,” Ai repeats.

“F!” Cecil wails.

“F!!” Natsuki bawls.

“Literally, what the fuck,” Ranmaru says.

“Oh yeah, you’re trying to find the murderer, right?” Ai asks Ranmaru. “I got a picture of them before they left.” He pulls his pants down and a photo flies out of his ass. He takes the picture and hands it to Ranmaru.

“Uuh. . .” Ranmaru hesitantly takes the photo from Ai. “Th-Thanks. . .”

Ren gets back up from teabagging Syo and looks over Ranmaru’s shoulder. “Oh wow, that looks like the new fisting puppet I got today!”

“When did you buy it?”

“Somewhere around 3AM.”

“3AM?” Cecil has finished his crying by now. “Are you telling me that you possibly bought a cursed hand puppet??”

Ren shrugs. “I dunno. I saw a Masa-shaped fisting toy and bought it.”

“How much did it cost?” Ai asks.

“Around ¥666000000.”

“REN WHAT THE FUCK?!” Ranmaru screams again. “DID YOU REALLY USE THAT MUCH MONEY TO BUY A SIMPLE FUCKING HAND PUPPET?!”

“It looked just like Masa!”

“Yeah, but sti—“

The lights suddenly turn off.

“Don’t worry, I have a built-in fleshlight—I mean flashlight,” Ai reassures. He turns himself on and looks around the room. “Okay, is everything alive except Syo?” He steps forward on something hard and crushes it in. “Whoops.” Natsuki cries harder.

There’s a ruckus heard from another room down the aisle which is followed by Otoya’s scream of terror.

“Otoya!!” Ren shouts. “We need to get to him!”

“You got it!” Ranmaru turns to Ai, trying his best to not look him straight in the eye. “Ai, can you stay in the back?”

“Sure, I guess.”

Ranmaru pulls Cecil who pulls Natsuki into the hall as they follow Ren to Otoya, Tokiya, and Reiji’s room. Ren busts the door down in a very sexy way and yells out Otoya’s name.

“R-Ren!!” Otoya runs over to him and clutches him close. “Toki. . . Rei-chan. . . They’re both. . .”

Ren hugs Otoya back, rubbing his back. “It’s okay, Otoya. It’ll be alright.”

The lights come back on, revealing two bodies stuck on the ceiling.

“Wh-What?” Ranmaru blinks, trying to find out if he’s seeing things.

The bodies then hit the floor, the scent of piss getting stronger.

“Isn’t this a dead meme?” Ai comments. “Is that Tokiya’s hair in Reiji’s mouth?”

“Ah, it’s Ichi’s ass hairs,” Ren deciphers. “That’s probably what killed them.”

“That’s digusting,” Ranmaru says.

“Yeah, but it’s hot,” Ren argues.

“Ew. Gross. I’m kinkshaming.”

“I guess this is the work of the cursed puppet, too?” Ai questions.

“I-I don’t know what you mean, b-but think so. . .” Otoya shivers.

“Oh yeah, that reminds me.” Ai unbuttons his shirt. “Reiji’s dead, so I guess I can take out some of his stuff.”

“Camus’ dead, too,” Ranmaru says.

“Oh fuck yeah.” Ai grabs onto a latch and opens himself up, a huge assortment of sex toys tumble out. The other three in the room stare at the horde: Ranmaru in disgust, Ren in horny, and Otoya in confusion. “50% is Reiji’s and the other 50% is Camus’,” Ai explains.

Ren looks around, seeing no Natsuki or Cecil in sight. “Huh? Where’s Shinomi and Cesshi?” Ranmaru, Ai, and Otoya look around the room, also seeing no trace of them.

“That’s strange,” Ai ponders. “They would usually tell us if they’re leaving.”

The same scream they heard before finding Syo’s dead body comes up.

“Natsuki?!” Otoya runs out of the room, following the voice.

“Oi, Otoya! Wait!!” Ranmaru chases after him. Ren and Ai share a look with each other, and follow quickly behind.

They find Natsuki in the hall. Dead, like everyone else who wasn’t there. Except Cecil. He’s still missing. Otoya stands in front of Natsuki, his back to the others.

“Ikki?” Ren mutters, reaching out to Otoya. The redhead then leans back, bending over to reveal now lifeless eyes. His body falls back into Ren’s arms. “Ikki. . .”

“Otoya, no.” Ranmaru hits the wall in frustration. “God damnit!! If only we noticed their disappearance.”

Ai puts a hand on Ranmaru’s shoulder. “It’s okay, all we need to do now is find Cecil. We need to stick together and stay safe.”

Ren nods in agreement, gently placing Otoya’s body down. “Cesshi can’t be doing this alone. We need to find him.”

The three walk around, watching carefully to not find the puppet. “Cecil?” Ai calls out. “Cecil, you need to come out. We need to stick together, you know.”

Ranmaru walks up ahead and stops. “Damnit,” he says. “There’s no way we’re going to find him. He might already be dead at this point and we might not even know. He turns back around, earning a yelp from Ren and an “oh dear” from Ai. “What? What is it?”

“Ren, your abdomen.” Ai points it out.

Ranmaru looks down to see the Masato puppet protruding from his stomach. “Oh,” he says. “I guess this is what Reiji would call a m’oof moment.” With those final words, he falls to his knees and releases his last breath. Behind him stands a familiar shadow.

Ren warily looks up and finds himself to be in the receiving end of betrayal. “Cesshi. . ?”

“Well, I guess you found out who the culprit is, huh?” Cecil steps forward, pushing Ranmaru’s body out of his path. The Masato puppet crawls out and places himself on Cecil’s hand. “Yeah, I did it. All of it. Amazing how that was even possible, huh?”

“I should’ve known,” Ai says. “I mean, you were Black Hood.”

“ye” Cecil giggles. “Well, F, right?”

“How?” Ren asks, about to cry. “Why??”

“How? Well,” Cecil explains, “when I came into your room, I saw Masato dead next to the door and this adorable little puppet eating him out! And not in the oopsie oh no that’s dirty mister coochie way. So, I peed in its flappy little mouth which sealed the contract between us!”

“You’re bonded by a contract?” Ai questions.

“Yep!!” Cecil takes a step forward. “As for why, let’s just say I’m sick and tired of people getting in my fucking way.”

“Cesshi,” Ren is weeping now, “you just said. . .”

“Fuck? Yeah, I said it.” Cecil gets even closer to Ren and Ai now. “And the way you’re acting right now is really making you out to be a little bitch.”

“Cesshi, please. . .” Ren clutches onto Ai’s arm. “Why did it come to this?”

“Don’t worry, you two! After I end your lives, I’ll be coming shortly after. So,” Cecil smiles, “don’t try to wait for me, alright?”

*****

“Snrk, c’mon, Ren, don’t be shy. . . He just wants your meat. . .” Cecil mutters happily.

The rest of STARISH and QUARTET NIGHT loom over and listen to Cecil talking nonsense in his sleep.

“I told you,” Camus mutters to them.

“Wow, wasn’t expecting this to come out of Cesshi of all people,” Ren says. He then notices the Masato puppet Cecil is holding close to him. “Oh God. Oh fuck.” He quickly grabs Natsuki’s Piyo-chan plush and sneakily switches that in for the puppet. “We need to burn this. Like, right now.”


End file.
